I’ve been avoiding you. I’m sure you’ve noticed. It’s been months (?) since my last entry. Remember the last thing I said? I was so excited about starting this new journey to try to change my way of thinking and stop hating myself. I had a plan, I had lists, I had goals…
I stuck to that plan for less than one week.
So, I’ve been avoiding you. Because coming back here meant admitting defeat and I just didn’t have the strength to do that. I didn’t have the strength to look at the evidence proving that I need help outside of myself. Instead I kept myself so busy that I didn’t have time to think about it. Sometimes I think that keeping myself busy is cure enough for my problems. Maybe this isn’t so bad that I need therapy, or more. Maybe this is normal?!
And then I find myself finally with some downtime, and remember that I’m alone. It’s not simply that I’m alone on a holiday weekend without any family in the area or invitations from friends; it’s not that I woke up on my day off with no clue what to do so I cooked food I wasn’t hungry for and busied myself with work that didn’t really need doing; it’s not that I find myself cleaning for fun while smelling and hearing BBQ festivities from all of my neighbors; it’s just that when I am alone, I go back to wondering what the hell I’m doing here and when is it just going to be over.